How may we appease you, Oh Great Sun God?
Posted on 2006-03-29 at 08:31
Oh great and powerful Sun God, do not leave us to die a cold and lonely death. Come back to us to shed your warmth and your occasional firey spat of justice! Be not angry with our blasphemers who called your absence the "ultimate astronomical show".
Though your indignation lasted just three of our mortal hours as you showed your anger to Africa, Turkey and Central Asia, it was a terrifying three hours, where your faithful wept openly and sought reconciliation with you, Great Blazing One.
Know that when the Moon God's vile shadow first besmirched your red visage at sunrise on the east coast of Brazil, we prayed that she would be punished for her crime! And when the Moon God, in infinite foolishness chased your glowing face across the Atlantic Ocean to the African land of Ghana, we wailed and gnashed our teeth while the vile residents of the doomed city of Accra filled the streets to take joy in your suffering. It is said that on this day did one of the sinners of Ghana name the event "the most amazing sight" and "a must see experience". My eyes seep tears of sadness at the recounting.
As you were chased further into the deserts of southern Libya where more errant nonbelievers gathered to point and gawk at the viciousness of the Moon Bitch; Lo', the sight of your torment, which lasted four minutes and seven seconds, was as watching puppies being gutted.
As if to punctuate your torture by the Errant God of the Moon, Nasa and Britain's Royal Institute of Astronomy gathered with thousands of jeering sinners to watch your torment from a Roman amphitheatre in Turkey. Though surely not the first such audience of atrocity in a Roman amphitheatre, it was assuredly the most heinous.
Spake Jay Pasachoff---professor of astronomy at Williams College, Massachusetts---after he had observed this event, "It was more fabulous even than we expected." May he rot in that special roped off section of hell reserved for lawyers and the guy who invented the seat belt alarm car buzzer.
I only pray that you can forgive us our transgression and return to us. I vow to hold the moon in scorn forevermore. Amen.