Jr High Drop Out

Godwin Prepares

Thanks to the Quest Calendar, I will be going on a year-long adventure. For my character, I've choosen Godwin the Wise. Bryan will be playing through this year as well and chose Thudak the Merciless.


#gaming #bryan

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The Christmas Exchange

Bryan nailed Christmas with a package themed "11 Year Old Tom". Not gonna lie. There's gonna be a lot of Evel Knievelling around my house now. A lot!

   


#bryan #holidays

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I didn't see an issue with this

Don’t hate just cuz I’m checking off my #friendshipgoals


#bryan #holidays #wtf

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RIP Bryan

RIP Bryan. I will never forget you… May you finally get the peace you sought for so hard in life.


#bryan #holidays

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Achievement Unlocked

Bryan is at MarsCon with me and we just found out that we both brought Star Wars pajamas. We sleep coordinate. That’s a whole new level of lame.


#bryan #marscon

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Herman Melville

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.

#bryan #writing

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You shouldn'a come at me, bro

On account of him kicking off a rap battle, here's my return volley:

I got dice in my hand and the game is on.
Cold stomp through ya house like a mastodon.
My raps is long and strong like an elephant tusk.
The intelligent, rough lyrics that TC will discuss.
I'm chilled with the Elephant Man, can't they tell that it's us?
Ain't no sittin' around now, bitch. Ya better get up.
Sasquatch and Yeti, yeah I'm callin' ya out.
Any opposition to me is just getttin' stomped out.

You s'posed ta be what? Abominable Flowman?
Ho' catcher? Dope snatcher? Shaped like a snowman?
I was strong for your lady. Yeah she probably want me.
I fucked her once blindly, now she follows me bluntly.
Large appetite, my cock is heavy and hungry.
I smack down rappers like I'm Solomon Grundy.

Yell it out, motha fucka. I can't say it too plain.
This is my jungle, sucker; top of the food chain!
I don't know what ya thought when ya banged out that weak chain.
But this is my court and I'm runnin' a new game.
What? You a Poetical Pachyderm, packin' nuts in?
From ya ass to ya mouth, let ‘em slap on ya chin?
Ya raps ain't no match, feel the back of my Tim's
I'll stomp ya out if ya come at me again.


#bryan #music

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Bryan's Kryptonite


#bryan

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OMG


#bryan #kungfu

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Defeat

Ugh.

Fucking Bryan. The Fetid Yeti has gotten me. Apparently, he pre-ordered the Essentials books from Tower of Games and they arrived yesterday. They aren’t for public sale till the 21st. I’m gonna try to buy a copy today at lunch, but they probably won’t have any that aren’t assigned to a pre-order, and if they do, they probably won’t sell to me until the official start date.

Bryan’s gloating has begun. My jealousy is palpable and tastes viciously bad. This sucks.

Bryan, you asshole!


#bryan #gaming

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Reefer Madness by way of MST3K

I just came back from MacArthur Center where I watched a live broadcast of the MST3K guys riffing on the movie “Reefer Madness”. Frigging great!

They are did three shorts as well; a household safety film from the 30s, a documentary on grass from the 70s, and a cartoon from the 30s.

Bryan and I both had a good time. And yes, I purposefully violated the Twin Prime Conjecture so as to bother Bryan.


#movies #bryan

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LOL at my own joke

I just told Shep that Bryan couldn't sleep on his stomach because he's afraid of heights.


#bryan #friends

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Daren and I would be playing a hot fun game where we got to play evil characters

…but Bryan doesn't know how to use a watch. So now, we are all sitting in a room with our collective thumbs up our asses. Thanks, Bryan. Great job. Daren and I also have it on good authority that the game table would have been full of hot anime chicks, too. Score, Bryan. I hope you choke on a pre-op dick. Fucking winner. :-/


#gencon #bryan #gaming

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Because fuck him. That's why.

I checked in and printed out a boarding pass for me and Bryan. Of course, I scrawled “Death to Amerika” across Bryan's passes. I'm sure it'll be just fine.

GenCon!!!!! Yay!


#bryan #gencon

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Dear Bryan

Eat a dick.  That is all.  Just eat it.  Slowly and with no sauce.  Just eat it plain.


#bryan

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Found elsewhere on FB and reposted on my wall

…so as to facilitate easier joking of Bryan without defacing someone else's wall


#bryan

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Successful cookouts and amicable hostage exchanges

A bunch of my friends came over for a cookout today. Shep was in town and showed up. Brent came with his family. Bryan (He Who Shall Die By My Hand) came over. Will showed...well actually Rebecca showed in his place. Much fun was had. There was chicken, derisive joking, beef, fire, corn, and vitriol. All was good in the land of Caudron.

As a side-note, I exchanged one item for one item with Bryan. He received his Mystic China book back in exchange for a Conan: Tower of the Elephant graphic novel. The exchange took place in a semi-lit hallway with nervous glances and distrustful scowls.

You, too, should read the new Conan: Tower of the Elephant:

If you prefer the old school Conan comic, get the original:


#friends #bryan #comics #books

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Valiant Canine Takes a Bite Outta Grime

A single brave dog took it upon himself to try to rid the world of Bryan earlier today. The admirable pooch sunk teeth into the Yeti-That-Would-Be-A-Man no less than twice by eye witness accounts. While the hairy hero didn't succeed in offing He-Who-Shall-Die-By-My-Hand, I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Thank you." Through great personal sacrifice, bribery, and no small bit of goat-sex, did I aquire a picture of the wound---still seeping the filthy ichor that oozes from the shambling mound of cellulite that Bryan calls a body. Gaze upon it and tremble:


#bryan

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Bryan and Rebecca

Gay, dude. Just gay.


#bryan #friends

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A conversational snippet

Bryan said, "...toothpaste, deodorant, and Splenda"

I replied, "If I were Johnny Carson, I'd hold a card to my forehead and proclaim, 'Name three things you apparently don't use?'"

Some moments make me prouder than others.


#bryan

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Eat, Drink, Be Merry, Live Long, and Prosper!

Old news: Calorie restriction has a serious positive life-extending effect.

New news: We've isolated the gene responsible for this anomaly.

In short (for those too lazy to read the article), it appears that with some further study we may be able to invoke this longevity gene effect without the need to eat like a bird. I'm pleased and you should be too...unless you are a worshipper of a death cult, in which case you scare me and I hope I do not anger you, my creepy friend.

Only down side: Bryan, too, will benefit from this technology. Well, the bright side is that it gives me more time to plot his painful and humiliating demise.


#health #science #bryan

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The hand of death creeps

So, last week I had some flu that put me down, then my wife got ill, then cadence got ill, the I had eye surgery, then I got better, then Cadence got better, then Denise got better, then Friday afternoon, I got ill again (stomach bug), then it goes away by Sunday only to have me with a sore throat Sunday night and this morning.

Damn you Bryan! You've poisoned me, haven't you?!? What is it? Polonium? Cianide? Crack and Tide? I hate you!

If I should die in the next week or so, let it be known that I point my (middle) finger Bryan-ward It was him. I know it. He did this to me---may he rot in that special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.


#health #bryan #family

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NSFW

"I already know his fuck stick."
~Said By Bryan (context totally irrelevant)


#bryan

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Bryan and I are going to see The Protector today

Can't wait. It's gonna rock so hard! Watch the trailer below and prepare to be impressed.


#movies #bryan

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Is he truly monkey-faced, Tom?

Yes, Bryan is truly monkey-faced as I claim in my previous blog entry. For proof I present this. Does it not remind you of a scene from Planet of the Apes? You can dress them up and stick a pipe in their banana-hole, but in the end you can't hide the monkey behind such a piss-poor man-mask.

   


#bryan

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Random Hostility: Sip it slowly so you can enjoy it longer

Maybe once this cheaper, faster FIOS stuff is done kicking Bryan's shit-ass company in the face for a few months, they'll consider a price reduction/speed increase. But then again, maybe not. Cox is run by retards. I know this because they hired a monkey-faced idiot like Bryan straight off the production line at the dick factory.


#technology #bryan

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The Homo Movieseat Firewall and the Twin Prime Conjecture

Last night, Bryan and I went to the movies to watch V For Vendetta. Overall, a good movie. But that's not what I'm writing about right now. Nope. Right now I'm gonna talk about math and the art of not being homo in a movie theater.

You see, Bryan has this thing about movies. He doesn't like guys to sit right next to him. It creeps him out. He likes to see one seat between all male friends in the theater. He says he only wants to sit close if it's a date. He's a total freak about it. It's his homo firewall. That one seat is all that stands between him and a torrid, slathering homo-erotic lovefest with oil, candles, Spock in leather chaps, and a soft Barry Manilow song.

Well, anyway, I'm sitting there right next to him (because it is my duty to creep Bryan out) and all I can think about is the Twin Prime Conjecture. What is the Twin Prime Conjecture? Let me explain.

You see around the year 300 BC this guy Euclid noticed that prime numbers (you know, those numbers which are only evenly divisible by themselves and 1) tend to come in pairs separated by one number. Like 11 [skip 12] 13, or 17 [skip 18] 19, or 101 [skip 102] 103. Put as Euclid did: there are infinitely many primes p such that p + 2 is also prime. He proposed that prime numbers would tend to group in that way infinitely. This conjecture has never been proved, though numerical evidence---not to mention simple heuristic reasoning involving the probabilistic distribution of primes---suggests its veracity.

Well anyway, I sat there, no seat between Bryan and I, his enormous mass (he is a fat bitch!) shifting uncomfortably from the entire movie. I should have put a hand on his knee halfway through, but I didn't want any uncut fingernail getting caught in the bristly, donkey-like fur that covers his Neanderthal legs. Instead I just leaned on the arm rest between us to invade his chair-space and spent the movie thinking of new prime twins.

I'm a hopeless freak in so many core ways.


#bryan #science

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Lest I forget Bryan on this most special of days

Bryan,

May your legs grow together and your back hair be knotty and twisted til Eternity gets old and dies. May you one day know the pain of a white hot dagger shoved through your ribs and deep into your chest cavity. May your last words on this earth be "That bitch...she stabbed me..." and may I be there to laugh aloud as death's chilled hand covers your mouth and smothers the last faint breath from your enormously overweight body.

I love you, man!


#bryan #holiday

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OMG TPK WTF!?!

We have experienced another TPK (Total Party Kill) at the same DM's hand. This makes two in as many months. To keep this in perspective, in my entire life of playing DnD, I've experienced two other TPK's in total. That means, two TPK's over the span of 20+ years, then suddenly two in the span of two months.

Bryan must suffer. May the fleas of a thousand camels build a Walmart in the hairs of his nose.


#gaming #bryan

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I mean they got that one ape to do sign language...

...so why can't we get Bryan to stop eating his own feces like an obese primate?


#bryan

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After careful consideration...

. ...Will and I have determined that [--CONTENTS OF THIS REVELATION CENSORED BY ORDER OF BRYAN--]


#bryan

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Bryan is Dead

Tom goes to Will's house to visit. Tom asks, "Did your hear the news - Bryan is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and *BOOM* - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs room over the garage and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big heavy speakers on those small stands I have in the room and reaches up for the corner to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when *BANG*, this set of speakers comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the speakers off him and crawls over to the window to call for help, he tries to pull himself up on the window ledge but under his weight, the ledge cracks and he lurches forward falling out of the window to the dirt below. In mid air, all the broken windows pieces spin and fall on him, pinning him to the ground, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the lawn, just beside the side door. He crawls inside to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, *WALLOP*, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

Ba doom boom ching. Thanks folks. I'll be here all night. Don't forget to tip your waitresses.


#bryan

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I just need to say...

Bryan, this is for you.


#bryan

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Badgers

Badgers, Badgers, Badgers...and the occasional Mushroom and Snake. Courtesy of Bryan, He Who Shall Be Destroyed By My Hand.


#wtf #bryan

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Reminiscing about our first fight

The first fight Bryan and I had took place in San Francisco. I had been practicing my Stepping Eagle Style on the tension wire of the Golden Gate Bridge and he had been working on his Northern Iron Stomach technique in the icy waters below.

We had both nearly finished our regimes when we noticed each other. I, my hand on my car door to leave and he with a raw trout he'd snatched from the Pacific waters hanging from his mouth. A thick ichor dripped from his gaping maw and down the twitching fish tail as he stared me down as a leopard stares down its prey. Haunched over like a beast, he sat perched on the hood of his new green Saturn. Our eyes met and a primal growl rolled from his throat. It was on.

For the past eleven days and twelve nights I'd been in a Red Lotus Trance and, though I sought peace, he projected himself into my dreams, taunting me each night with his his gurgling laughter. Having been in a trance, I had not yet heard about his Six Day training under Master Kim Po Lung. Learning the Art of the Fistless Punch under Master Kim would serve him well.

A flickering eyelid was all that signaled my attack, but it was enough for my foe. As I lept forward, pulling a bamboo shard from my jacket and extending it out to perform the Staff of Seven Winds technique, he lept to intercept my staff before it had gained its strength with his Steel Tonfa. Our bodies met in the air over the bridge and it is said that forty people were deafened that day from the sound of our weapons clashing, such was the power of our mighty strikes.

The battle raged for a week and a half, neither given ground to the other as we advanced through our techniques and eventually surpassed the physical to concentrate our fighting on the psychic realm as we employed the techniques we'd learned from Master Gygax at the school where we first met. Id Insinuations and Towers of Iron Will bent metal and snapped tension wires on the great bridge. Cars flew into the waters and police eventually cordoned off the area to save the lives of the citizens of the city. While we raged, I am told that over four hundred, fifty people lost their lives to our wild combat. But they were commoners so it was OK.

When it seemed as though our fighting would never cease, my enemy took a blow to the head from Blue Honor, my Nine-Rings Sword, and burst into a cloud of biting insects that swarmed around me and infiltrated my armor. Lest the fight fall against me, I knew I must escape. Calling upon the power of my ancestors, I transformed into a cloud of smoke and floated away to fight again. As I left I could see my enemy reforming, a green ooze leaking from the many wounds in his body. The fight so close, I was certain that further training would hand me a sure victory. I now seek out Swami Vishishtadveata, who I will force to teach me the Celestial Palm form. With the Celestial Palm, my enemy cannot hope to withstand my next assault.


#bryan #kungfu

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Bryan eats babies and hates all that is good

Bryan, AKA "The Yeti", is a loathsome and depraved creature with a lust for little asian boys.


#bryan

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The TV

I dropped Bryan's shit-ass company and have moved to a company with great customer service. It's satellite, so there are issues with storms and stuff, but overall I'm happy so far. We'll see how it all turns out.


#caudroplex #bryan

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Miserable

I've come down with something. If I die and the police read this for clues, I can only say that I myself suspect Bryan Andrewski of slowly poisoning me! He has the means, the motive, and the maliciousness...and, indeed, it would suit his personality perfectly to kill me in this cowardly way! But I let you draw your own conclusions.


#health #bryan

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The Book of Enoch

Just spent an evening discussing the relevance of the Book of Enoch to Christianity with Chris, a friend of Bryan's. He's dead wrong, but I understand why he came to the conclusions he did. I wrote a paper about the Dead Sea Scrolls in college. Perhaps that will answer some questions.


#religion #academics #bryan

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