Jr High Drop Out

A Pedicure For Tom

So, this happened. I mean, I dunno how, but it did.


#me

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Me, as described by a friend

In preparation for meeting me for the first time, a friend decided to prepare his girlfriend for the experience by hitting the highlights of who I am as a person. My opinion? Nailed it.


#me #friends

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Spoiler Alert: We're all the cup

The saddest sight is always the bottom of a coffee cup. But the cup is it's most useful when it's empty.


#introspection #me #food

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Next stop: Vegas! (for work?)


#me #work

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Flying. Meh.


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Help me please

That space between Christmas and New Year when I don't know what day it is, what I'm supposed to be doing, or what my purpose in life even is.


#holidays #me

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My pronouns

I identify as a stapler that's out of staples.


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I am a leaf on the wind; watch how I soar


#tv #me

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I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night


#me #introspection #science

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Me pretending to be a good person like…


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Me not giving up on Halloween yet…


#holidays #me

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In my head, this is me…always


#me #wtf

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Words to live by

They say that if you can’t beat them, join them. I say that if you can’t beat them, join them, and then betray them. They won’t see that shit coming.


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John Dryden

He trudged along unknowing what he sought, And whistled as he went, for want of thought.

#quotes #poetry #me

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Dagmar Godowsky

I lived only for pleasure and I spoiled my own fun. Where was I running? From whom? Little feet running around the globe. Nothing but circles, and I never once bumped into myself.

Dagmar was a Silent Film Actress and I relate so much to that quote.


#quotes #me #movies

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In Vegas for the Amazon AWS conference


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Random selfie


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Game day


#gaming #me

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Fact


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Skydiving practice at iFly

No, I won't be actually skydiving anytime soon.


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Today's Mood

"I don’t feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren"

#me #quotes #movies

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I mean this

To the weirdo, the black sheep, the odd duck, the outcast, the pariah, the lost, or the forgotten: You are my people and you are beautiful.


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No comment needed


#work #me #psychology

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Leaving work while it’s still light out? Say what?


#me #work

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The Weather Today

Fucktastic with a chance of Dayum!


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I hope I’m not the only one

An Internet full of inspirational quotes, and I still struggle with how to live.


#art #introspection #me

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Flying to Indianapolis


#me #work

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Guess who is flying to Atlanta?

This poor bastard


#me #work

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On the way to Danville for Easter


#holidays #me #family

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Just a reminder


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Madness

Always stay just a little scared of the madness in your own soul. A healthy fear of yourself is a good thing.


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Whatcha looking at?


#art #me

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What evil lurks in the hearts of men?

"Words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul within." - Tennyson


#me #poetry #comics

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Me and Kathryn Sullivan, the first woman to walk in space


#me #science

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Red Krypton

My new hotness.


#comics #me

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I SWEAR TO GOD…

…IF THIS SNOW MAKES ME LOSE INTERNET!!!


#me #technology

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Pajama Party Tonight

   


#me #holiday

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My cartoon fist is in yo face!


#me #kungfu

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FML (or at least my day)

Ya know what? Someone else can Carpe this particular fucking Diem. I'll wait for the next one, thanks.


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I'm up too late

but I blame society and the invention of television.


#me #tv

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I bought Nero his very first fiddle

Anarchy is my hobby. Don't judge me.


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Me, in 10 words

Tom is a Sandman authorized to hunt and exterminate Runners.


#me #movies

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From the Book of Tom

Tom is all "Ho Ho Ho" and you are all "Bah Humbug" and so he is all "STFU and be joyous" and then you are all "yes sir."


#holidays #me

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With liberties from Paradise Lost Book I, 38-44

[Tom] was aspiring
To set himself in glory above his peers,
He trusted to have equalled the Most High,
If he opposed, and with ambitious aim
Against the throne and monarchy of God,
Raised impious war in Heaven and battle proud,
With vain attempt.

#me #religion #poetry

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Staring at a basement ceiling in Danville


#introspection #me

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A reminder

I am the bomb-diggety, the shiznit, the cat's meow, and rocktastic. You are my fans.


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My personal hell

I think that people without OCD simply cannot know the depths of evil contained in a coupon book without clear and easy perforated edges. Small tear? Guess I didn't need 10% off at Subway anyway. Screw that mess.


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I'm up too late

Going to bed now. Need sleep.


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Fear my slightly annoying inconvenience!!!

I am the batteries that are not included, the low ratings that cancel your favorite show, the itch you cannot scratch, and the traffic on the road during your morning commute!


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I'm your everything

I am your Superman and your Lex Luthor; heroically saving you from the dangers I mastermind.


#me #comics

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My Big Five

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile
0
50
100
%
Openness
93%
Conscientiousness

44%
Extraversion
55%
Agreeableness

60%
Neuroticism
43%

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And always have been

I am precisely as happy as I makes up my mind to be.


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It's the only constant

I spin forever down the ringing grooves of change.


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Um, roar

I am the Godzilla of Awesome.


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Phear Meeee

Tom is MODOK, the mutagenic love child of A.I.M. and the Cosmic Cube!


#me #comics

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I am a monster

Grrr Arrgh!


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I am no adventurer

I am but a simple traveler who seeks the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.


#gaming #me

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I need a little simian buddy

Everyone should have their own orangutan.


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I always have been

Tom is the droid you're looking for.


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I'm not high. You are!

I am melon-balled by aliens in his sleep. Will the people who live in the walls believe me?


#wtf #me

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Anarchy Calling

I often find myself drawn to anarchist rhetoric. It's at odds with other opinions I hold to be true, but yet that little inner Tom that likes destruction and entropy and raw justice unburdened by moral dignity occasionally whispers in my ear, “Want. Take. Have”. I don't really listen to that inner Tom anymore, but I can't say I'm unsympathetic to the message. There is a simple honesty to the brutality of anarchy that rings true in many hearts. I like to think that I fight against that primal urge well. Sometimes more well than others.


#politics #me

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On the occasion of my 41st birthday

I am of the opinion that maturity is a curse that should only be inflicted on the very old and the very ill, both of whom won't have to suffer through it for long.


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Finding the Buddha of the Moment

I smacked into the back of some chick's car this morning.  No real damage.  No injuries.  She is still filing against me insurance.  Some people are just that way.  Oh well.

I am, nonetheless, the smiling Buddha.  I refuse to let the world's lameness get in the way of my smile.

Taste it, world!  I will not back down.


#me #religion

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Impermanence

I often see myself clinging to my point of view, as if everything depended upon it. But I have to remind myself that my opinions and ideas have no permanence and will gradually fade away like the blistering summer. What I believe today should hold no more sway over me than what I believed a year ago, a decade ago, or thirty years ago.

In that sense, there is a calming impermanence to selfhood.


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A thought exercise

Tom wonders if the force and authority of government makes him more or less evil than he would be without it.


#politics #religion #me

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In case you wondered

Tom is what awesome is made of.


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I consider chaos a gift

It creates such fascinating configurations of experience and idea.


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Only Children Unite!

It is a widely held stereotype that children who grow up without brothers or sisters may be “oddballs” or “misfits.” But new research undermines that notion–suggesting that any deficiency that does exist in only children's social skills when they are young has disappeared by their teens.

The results of the new study also put social-science research under the spotlight.

via scientificamerican.com


#family #me #science

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Laziness is a virtue

I just spent the whole of Sunday doing nothing.

I mean, still in my pajamas, only got out of bed to watch a little streaming netflix, didn’t even bother to cook food, have zilch to show for the wholeday kinda nothing.

I dig those kinds of days. They are just too rare.


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Sulking is a virtue

I'm bored.  Wife's out of town.  Wanna go out to eat for dinner tonight.  It's lame that everyone I know is either busy, too far away, or working and can't eat out tonight!  I guess I'll just sit here and sulk.  Or maybe brood.  Not sure which yet.  I have time to decide, I think.


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My level of broke and stupid

I think I should sell my car for gas money.


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Tom has the jazz

He’s a boogie down, trip hop, disco fiend with a techno acid rock vibe. He walks proud in KISS boots and a Thriller jacket. Sporting a mock turtleneck and Elton John glasses, he glitzes and shines. He has trained his heart to kick breakbeats and he hums baselines in exhalation. His eyes blink “Rocktastic” in morse code and his stride is a reversed moonwalk. You are jealous.


#me #music

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Sleep is for pansies!

I'm tired and have to get up at 3am to take my wife to the airport. Ugh.


#me #family

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Everything has an upside

I am zombified and can't seem to wake out of the Juju trance. But on the bright side, the inevitable and impending zombie apocalypse will be a smoother ride now.


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Monk

I’m always surprised about how much the end of a good show can impact the audience.

I’ve been watching the series since it began by netflixing each season as it’s released to DVD. I enjoy the show, probably because of how much I empathize with the main character. His issues, in some sense, are my issues. His neurotic compulsions and anxieties are mine. Watching him work through his issues was cathartic and hopeful.

But now it’s over. I’ve just watched the last episode. The last show wrapped up the series well. It’s not a neat little bow, nor is it all happy, but it is joyful. Adrian Monk makes real progress toward normalcy, he solves his wife’s murder, and we get to see him offer up a rare, genuine smile near the end of the show. Overall, it’s a good ending. We are left with just enough of a wrap up that we know it turns out alright, but not so much that we are led in-hand to a tidy conclusion. We get to invent for ourselves what his happy end state is. I like that.

Sadly, the show was calming to me, and now I’m stuck with the realization that there are no more new Monks to watch. Like the end of Buffy or DS9, it was well done and well timed, but sad in its finality. I’m gonna miss it.


#tv #me

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Happy Pills

I am sitting in the airport waiting for my happy pills to kick in.


#me #work

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As expected

just left the club. Yes, there is video of me disco dancing in my Green Lantern shirt. I rock.


#gencon #me

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Needs vs Wants

Needs are relative, but wants are absolute. It's helpful for me to remember that.

Right now, I need to go to bed, but I want to keep playing with my blog. Good night.


#philosophy #blogging #me

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Current Mood

My face is now stapled to the floor.


#me #work

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Drugged and bearded as I get off the plane


#me #work

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In case you were looking for me…

Tom is in ur iPadz eatin ur applez.


#me #technology

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Let the evolution begin

I'm ankle deep in the Apple-ification of my development skillset. Looking forward to being eyeball deep, though.


#technology #work #me

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Don't ask me where I am heading

I am the Gate of the Great Truth and beyond me is the vast and nameless emptiness.


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Fill in the blank

Tom is so damn ________________!


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Tom conducts a Shock And Awe campaign on his lunch plate


#food #me

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My worlds collided

That's never good, right?


#me #friends

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such is the power of my awesomeness

My enemies would go blind from over-exposure to my pure awesomeness!


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Toy know I'm right

I believe that there are many situations daily that calls for that very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.


#me #psychology #kungfu

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I am Daddy-Fly Killer!

Poems will be written. Songs sung. Let children everywhere rejoice in his heroic exploits.


#me #family

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My super power

has the amazing ability to remember everything, whether it happened or not.


#me #comics

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My new show

Tom is a growth-stunted portugese mental patient and his wife is a self-made millionare, freelance journalist, and professional dog groomer. Together with their limo driver, Lionel Stander, they fight crime. Du Du Duuuuuuuuu.


#me #tv

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A little about me

Tom is the unwanted love child of Phineas Gage and Betty White.


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Our most fundamental flaw

I'm so acutely aware of how natural it is for Man to try to attain power without recovering grace. I see it in my daughter trying to tie her shoes, in me trying to do a good job, and in all of us as we try to work through our various relationships and interactions. This fundamental flaw worms its way into all human endeavor, making a mess of our works.


#psychology #religion #me

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Am I too cryptic?

I was told that my FB statuses are often cryptic by a few people. To those people I can only say "The monkey wears pants on Saturdays. When dry cleaning your ceiling fan take care to avoid the greenery.":-)


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Where you see chaos

I see freedom in confusion and clarity in possibility.


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Absurdity is relative

I think there is no worthy endeavor that hasn't a sense of strangeness to it; no great idea or thought or action that doesn't from some angle or view seem absurd.


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Like Vanilla Ice

I slide like a ninja and cut like a razor blade.


#me #music

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People watching

I find people and their various interactions interesting.


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It conspires against me

I'm having a good week, though the world is trying to prevent it.


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The Voices of Id will not be ignored

I find it hard to defy the marching orders of my subconscious.


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I am honestly lucky

I'm blessed to have the kind of people in his life that I do. Days like today are a great reminder. :)


#me #friends

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True dat

Tom is like, "ugh."


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Never forget

I keep my mistakes in a lighted trophy case.


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Du Du Duuuuu

Tom is…the Scorpion!


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Thankfully, I'm good at that

I just learned that if you can't win with grace you should lose with spite.


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A weird thing I was told

I had a former professor once tell me, "you are just unconstrained by traditional intellectual parameters." I guess it sounded better than, "you're kooky."


#me #academics

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Strange Days Indeed

I think that some days are better than others. Some days you just can't figure out. Today was odd. The world was just a bit skewed in a way indefinable.


#me #work

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Just so you know

I am like an Einstein-Rosen Bridge between Awesome and Suck.


#me #science

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Shazam!

I'm tired of waiting around to be the next Billy Batson.


#me #comics

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But is it truly mine?

My tao is forever changing. One state flows to the next. A movement without rest. My fortunes and fates rising and sinking without fixed law or expectation. They cannot be confined within a rule; It is only change that is at work here. Nameless, Named, Nameless. So moves my tao.


#me #religion

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What should it be?

I wonder what I'd list if asked today to set America's goals for the next 50 years. I don't mean the American government's goals, but the agenda of its people.


#politics #me

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More sitting at the dock on the bay, watching the tide roll away


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Theta Alpha Kappa


#academics #religion #me

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A One Act Play

Tom is all like, "Daaamn!" and you're all like, "Oh no, he didn't!" Then we were all like, "Say whaaa?"


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Uh oh

I think I may have built the fence a little late. The demons were already in and now they can't escape.


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I need one

I hope the new National Health Care plan will cover personality implants.


#me #politics

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As we all should be

I am blankness, the contained center of an "O".


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Feeling Thankful

I have managed to gather a good group of friends around me, despite being a pedantic jerk. That's kinda cool.


#friends #me

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Current Mood: Buzzing

Tom is plugged in. Online. Jacked up. Fucked up. T1 line in. Media upchuck. Mankind. MetalSoul. Info blackhole. Lord Almighty, flood this rathole. Byte-sized. ArkSafe. Hi-Tech Street Waif. Who cares anyway? Why should I pray? Lead in. Lead out. Have faith. Have doubt. Talk loud. Don't shout.


#poetry #technology #me

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The Foul Muse

My daughter is often inspired by the Foul Muse. Later in life, this will cause me much consternation and her much amusement.


#family #me

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Being Geek

I really like being a geek. From comics to D&D to science to my fellow geeks, this is a subculture I'm kinda proud of.


#me #geek

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I have yelled sufficiently

I'm still hoarse from yelling last night. Lol!


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About Me

Tom is Howard Stern meets Howard's End.


#me

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Another awesome night at work


#work #me

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Don't we all?

I dine here on a balanced diet of ego when it's loud and self-hatred when it's quiet. Shhh. The silence isn't finished being awkward yet.


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You needed to know

Tom is a fistful of awesome!


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Old School, Mutha Fucka!

I kick it with Borland Turbo C in DOS 3.3. Hellz yeah, biotch!


#programming #me

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It's on my bucket list, though

I have never been called a lowdown dirty scoundrel and wonder why. Am I not lowdown and dirty enough or is news of my scoundrel nature not far reached enough to earn me the veneration yet?


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Midgets are funny, especially when they are me!


#me #wtf

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I am bounded in a nutshell

…and count myself a king of infinite space.


#me #theater

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Credits Roll…

Tom is the Undaunted Wu Dang. Brought to you by Havoline. Also starring Sonny Chiba as the villainous Tong Po.


#kungfu #me #movies

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Beware

Tom is the scratching fingernail on the blackboard of your soul.


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Beware

Tom is the sourball in the candyjar of goodness!


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Uh Oh

I fail my save vs being awesome.


#me #gaming

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A little about me

I spend my time in feeble attempts at being a strong, big dad doing father figure 8's, ripping my cape on the ground that it drags on, tripping on fate and hearing the sounds of a sad song.


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I mean, let's talk facts

I may have the right to remain silent but I appear to lack the ability.


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You needed to know

Tom is in charge of finding treasure in the dark.


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I live in the future

Park your flying car where you'd like.


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Existential Minimalism

I hack away at the unessential.


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Hold none before me

Tom is the root of heaven and earth.


#religion #me

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Hero or villian: You decide!

I took one of those online quizes (cuz they are fun and I have no life). This one to determine for me which comic book hero I am.

My results:
You are Green Lantern
Green Lantern
70%
Spider-Man
65%
The Flash
60%
Catwoman
55%
Batman
50%
Robin
48%
Wonder Woman
43%
Superman
40%
Iron Man
40%
Hulk
35%
Supergirl
33%
Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

I also took one to determine which comic book villian I might most identify with.

My results:
You are Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor
76%
Dr. Doom
76%
Green Goblin
71%
Apocalypse
63%
The Joker
61%
Catwoman
61%
Two-Face
55%
Magneto
55%
Mr. Freeze
54%
Poison Ivy
52%
Kingpin
50%
Dark Phoenix
48%
Venom
48%
Riddler
44%
Juggernaut
43%
Mystique
39%
A brilliant businessman on a quest for world domination and the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mind of our time!
Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test


#comics #me

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Cars, Snakes and The Art of Lying

Unlike the schoolyard squirrel, I was not the worst thing that had ever happened to that snake. You see, the snake was already dead when I found it. I think it must've been a peaceful death. The body, roughly 3 feet in length, was intact and unmangled. This was a primo find for a boy that age! A whole snake to do with as I pleased? This day was off to a great start.

We all sat around looking at the snake. Such an opportunity could not be wasted. It's not everyday the Lord hands a person such a high quality, snake carcass. It was like manna from heaven, and we would not waste the gift. We talked about all the various great things we could do with this snake, but in the end we were stuck. There was Frozen Snake Jousting and Frozen Snake Sword Fighting. There was Wearing It As A Belt and Wearing It As A Headband. There were girls to be frightened and parents to be disgusted, teachers to be upset and strangers to be startled. We had plans. Many of them. And that was the problem. How does a young boy choose between so many equally good paths?

For a while we played with the snake---smacking each other with it, acting like it was alive and attacking us, poking at it, staring at it. All this to delay the inevitable. We needed to do something grand with it. In the end, it was poor impulse control that made our decision for us.

I had the snake by the tail, standing in front of the rusty white 21st street side of the Circa Del Mar at the Oceanfront. I watched the cars going by, some speeding past, hurrying to get to the beach, some slowly down to make a right hand turn. The other boys sat on the sidewalk equally despondent---our ophiophilia quickly souring as the weight of our decision bore on us, as our sacred duty led us to preemptively regret each future path before we took it and a vague malaise set over us. Even poking a dead snake with sticks seemed a hollow fun eventually. Something had to be done.

The couple were probably just in town for a little RnR---some mellow fun-in-the-sun---and maybe just to get away from the hectic agitation of the daily grind. Their car was modest, a small four door older model, not so old as to scream "welfare" but no so new as to whisper "worship my car" either. It began slowing down to make the same right hand turn that others had been making unmolested all day. Theirs was not to be the same fate as the Lincoln before them or even the Buick after them. Their's was a different lot entirely.

WHAM! The snake came down hard across the hood and windshield of the car as it moved past me. I wish I could say I had a look of excitement and joy, but in truth, all I felt was relief. The decision had been made. The Gift had been spent. I watched, detached and emotionless, as the car screeched and turned and wagged and bobbled. After a few seconds---which seems like a minute and a half to me, but probably a great deal longer to those riding in the vehicle---the car came to a stop, turned the opposite direction on the far side of the road. I watched with disinterest as the man and his wife (or girlfriend or mistress or whatever) stepped shakily out of the car and looked around to see what had been hit. Surely, they thought, the child must be dead. Look at the blood all over the car! Tragedy and mayhem!

Now as I recall, it was then that the angels spake unto me, saying "Your work here is finished, my child, RUN!!!!" As I've said before, I do not make it a habit of being disobedient to the Voices, so I did indeed make ample use of my sneakers. This was my 'hood, and I knew these tourists had no chance to catch me. I was fast, smart, and preternaturally patient...like a snake. The local fire station has a great little area nestled in the middle of it's nearly O-shaped building. This would serve as my hideout until the tourists had gone back to Beauty, Kentucky or Sod, West Virginia or Sweet Lips, Tennessee or whereever it is that our mayor busses these people in from. I was silent, like the ninja. I could not be caught.

It had to be two hours later (in child-hours, at least!) when I crawled from my snake hole to rejoin my friends who were surely setting up a party in my honor as I waited in hiding. Clowns and balloons and 72 ponies (OMG PONIES!!1!!1!) awaited me, and all I had to do was make my way back to get my kudos. The Angels told me to go home and collect my reward another day, but against all reason, I ignored the Voices and trod onward toward my ponies and clowns and backslaps and high fives. It was as I crossed an alley about half a block from the snake incident when I heard it. "Hey, did you see a kid around here playing with a snake?" Innocent, but shocked, denial. "Bullshit! It's you! I know it was!" Deny Deny Deny. "Don't give me that! I know it was you, kid! We could've been seriously hurt, blah blah blah! Caused an accident, yappity slappity! Dangerous to be in traffic, wibbildy bibbildy stuff and junk!" Pretend to Cry. Act scared of the strangers and their bizarre accusations. "Well, maybe it wasn't you." Walk away smiling.

In the end, there were no ponies or clowns or balloon animals. No clouds parted. The Angels were strangely silent. All that was left was a duty discharged and a story worth retelling. As I've grown older, I have come to realize that's really enough.


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For 10 seconds of uncomfortable bliss

It wasn't like the squirrel had it coming. He was long since tamed by human contact. Living in the middle of the schoolyard will do that for an animal. Some of the students would feed him; heck even the mean kids were pretty nice to him. Well, everyone but me, I guess.

I had no history of being mean to animals. When it came down to it, I had a soft spot for them. I guess that makes the squirrel incident all the more peculiar.

I don't know what stray neuron misfired in my skull, but when I saw the squirrel, I just knew that its destiny lie elsewhere that day. I decided that I would be its agent of fate. Borrowing April's bookbag and taking care to remove each item from it one-by-one---I often wonder what those gathered to watch the Tommy Show were thinking as they circled around for this week's episode---I stalked the friendly squirrel. He probably thought I was going to feed him: Did I mention how bad I felt about the squirrel's role in all this? Once close enough, I launched upon the squirrel with the opened and empty bookbag, capturing him underneath in one swift, cruel, and comical motion. For a few seconds he scurried, or so the frantic bookbag canvas suggested, but eventually he accepted his swallowed fate. Nature is good about such things.

Gathering the sides slowly, so as to avoid his accidental freedom, I managed to get the mouth of the bag closed and the bag turned rightside up again, squirrel still inside. Half way to my goal, I was still not entirely clear on what it is the voices wanted me to do, but I obeyed, a dutiful soldier to my Id. The Voices of Id were rarely wrong. How could I doubt them this far into the mission?

Excusing myself from the culpable crowd of peers, I made my way into the school administrative office, squirrely bookbag tightly pressed to my chest. "Can I speak with principal Clootie?" No questions were asked. The office staff probably thought I'd been sent down in trouble again.

Now, I should pause here to tell you that for all the guilt I have over the squirrel's unwitting involvement, I had none over Clootie's role. What he got, he deserved. I reserve for him the sort of blind hatred that I can really only muster when talking about the people that tormented me as a child. He and one wild-haired aunt share that space together for eternity, though neither knows the other. Really, they should get married and have impish little malformed children together. The world is overdue to a good anti-Christ and I've little doubt that their offspring would fill the role nicely.

Anyway, the principal was at his desk---most likely planning this week's plots against me---when I entered. He was mad. Not because I hadn't knocked, but because it was me. I was greeted with a snarled "What?" I should have thanked him, for I was just starting to feel guilty about the squirrel and might've left without fullfilling my duty to the Voices of Id, but his opening volley push concerns for personal and squirrelish safety aside and left nothing between he and I but crackling hatred.

"I need to show you something, Clootie." I called him Clootie instead of principal Clootie, mostly because it irked him that I talked to him as would his gym teacher. He often told me it betrayed a lack of respect. To this day, I'm confused by his use of the word "betrayed".

"Hurry up, then. What is it?" I leaned forward, bookbag slowly extending out toward his face. If my life had a sound track, it would've been playing something from Mozart's Requiem at that moment...or maybe Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall.

When I was close enough to his face that he could smell dust and canvas---the smell of a well made, little used Junior High bookbag: I pulled the bag open with a pop, taking care to thrust it forward at the same time. As if sprung from some MacGyver'd trampoline, the Squirrel flew out of the bookbag with a screech and a sort of gargling hiss towards the face and chest of Clootie. Clootie screamed. The squirrel screeched. I cackled. Fun was had by everyone except Clootie...and the squirrel. Coming to a momentary stop on top of the papers on Clootie's desk, the squirrel took a moment to appreciate that he'd been given a second chance at life. He saw me, a flash of "imgonnagetyousucka" in his eyes. He saw Clootie, by now pressed against the back wall sputtering word fragments. Assessing his situation, the squirrel did the smart thing---I'm just glad someone in this story did a smart thing---and darted behind a cabinet, the papers on which he stood flung every which way as he scurried frantically to dark safety.

Over the next 10 seconds, as Clootie tried to regain composure and pretended to regain dignity and as the kudos of the Voices of Id dimmed, all the rest of the world faded away and eventually all that existed was me, Clootie, and a silence pregnant with a palpable feeling of "whatthefuck?!?".

I'm not going to say I'm proud of that moment, but neither will I feign shame. The squirrel was taken away by animal control. Clootie took the next day off. Another suspension loomed in my immediate future. Overall, it was a good day.


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About me

Someone asked me why I bothered getting a degree in Religion and Literature if I'm gonna spend all my time making jokes about body functions and reading comic books. If a lifetime of reading the Amazing Spider Man has taught me anything, it's that high and low culture are false distinctions. Friedrich Nietzsche? Asshat.


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