Jr High Drop Out

This dude made me laugh and feel personally attacked all at the same time. Loved it!

But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Three things of note that I see in this very important map:

1. The ocean contains an untapped, infinite supply of pork.
2. We are trapped in our states by impenetrable pig walls.
3. Canada and Mexico are lost to the swine already. Save yourselves! It's Hogmageddon!!!

No, but for real though…

Aww, how sweet. This man died in Pompei holding his loved ones.

Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

Why don't we talk more about how Tolkien and CS Lewis showed up at a non-costume party dressed like polar bears or how, for shits and giggles, Tolkien once set about convincing an entire class that Leprechauns are for realz?#TolkienJustGotBetter

If there were 3 beds in Goldilocks, then the untold story is that baby bear was holding the family together. :(

The subject of Waffle House came up on another thread. I shared my thoughts on this important topic. Repeated here because you want to know.

• Waffle House: Because some days you just don't feel dressed up enough for McDonald's.
• Waffle House: Where your mother's shame may still follow you, but no one gives a crap.
• Waffle House: Sometimes you just want to look around and think "These people watch creepier porn than me."
• Waffle House: Because there are days when looks-like-eggs is good enough.
• Waffle House: Some women just like a guy whose face is shiny from grease and tears.

Life.

Also, Strange Henry who lives behind the Waffle House trash cans.

There are two kinds of people. Those who put their shopping carts back instead of leaving then all over the parking lot, and those who are total assholes.

Please use Private Chat. Please.
Sincerely,
Everyone, everywhere.

I read this like 6 times and kept reading “CRAP” instead of “CPAP”.

Did Henry Wadsworth Longfellow know just how dirty his name sounds? I mean, what part of that name ISN'T talking about his junk?!?

…is this gay or masturbation?

Buy your very own nightmare-inducing dream home. Flies and blood not included,

I am melon-balled by aliens in his sleep. Will the people who live in the walls believe me?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!“

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

"A baby is eighty hundred forty percent payoff. That means give me all your money"

WTF is wrong with my daughter? Lol.

“There's a dead hooker under the bed.  What would Jesus do?”

This was on my desk this morning.  I think it may be my first proposition from a vegetable.

I'm having difficulty thinking of anything funnier to watch right now than an octagon death match between a leprechaun and a jackalope. But I welcome comments that can offer more hilarity.

That's just weird, dude. He eats those ghosts, genitals and all, but the eyes are too nasty for him? I don't understand the Japanese sometimes.

I wonder why, if Septem, Octo, Novem, and Decem are Latin for 7 8 9 & 10 respectively, are they the root names for our 9th through 12th months?

While at the zoo with my daughter and wife today, I spied this scene:

So, what exactly is that frog doing to that elephant and aren't their laws (of nature) against it?

Rock-a-bye baby
In the tree tops
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
Cradle and all

Who in their right minds thought this would make a good children's bedtime song?!? It's description of some sort of baby armegeddon practically designed to induce nightmares. Here you go baby. Sweet dreams, and remember that if all goes well you won't fall from 30 feet up in a storm to crack your skull. WTF?

Badgers, Badgers, Badgers...and the occasional Mushroom and Snake. Courtesy of Bryan, He Who Shall Be Destroyed By My Hand.